The Captain's Quarters
by FyFaen
Summary: A really retarded, totally unserious story where Spock attempts to confide in Kirk. Again... if you think I am serious, please... go and get a life... :


Spock tiptoed like a little girl down the hallway with his blue teddy bear pyjamas on. He got to the captain's quarters and walked in, uninvited of course.

Walking over to Kirk, he was attacked by his teddy bear; it's six inch fangs missing his neck by 3 millimetres. He threw it at the wall, where it made a little squeak of pain and started convulsing. He assumed it must of received permanent neurological damage, so he left it there. He then turned around and stood over Kirk's bed watching him in a creepy manner.

"Keep the Klingons in the vase...." The captain turned in his sleep, dreaming of commanding the Enterprise. "Get those Romulans out of my PIE!"

Spock waited for Kirk to respond to his presence. Time passed as his eyes stared fixated upon Kirk's womanizing face. After forty five minutes of waiting, he eventually became impatient with Kirk's inability to respond and poked the captain's arm.

"Captain." he monotonously whispered.

"Spock?" Kirk said deliriously, "what are you doing here?"

"Is there something I can do for you, Captain?" Spock said, for some illogical reason.

"Like what?" Kirk said, confused.

"Dr. McCoy seemed to think you were acting strangely and thought I should go and check on you."

"What? Why would McCoy ask you to check on me at this hour, Mr. Spock?" Kirk said, a little weirded out.

"Um, to be most precise, Captain, he didn't. I--" Spock stumbled on the words, half in disbelief that he was going to admit he had a very human emotion. "I... I ... I am scared, Jim."

"You, Spock? Scared? That's extraordinary!" Kirk said almost laughing.

"I had a most peculiar dream during my meditation, captain."

"Tell me, Spock." Kirk wanted Spock to piss off already.

"Well, that would be illogical, Captain." Spock looked around, embarassed.

"Go on and tell me, Mr. Spock."

"Certainly." Spock cleared his throat, "I was on Vulcan, and I was running... afraid because... I had... pigtails?" Spock raised an eyebrow.

"What!?" Kirk was suprised and could hardly believe his ears, "That's the stupidest dream I've ever heard!"

"I apologize for the intrusion, Captain..." Spock said, almost sniffling. He tuned around towards the door. "I'll get back to my work..."

"Spock?" Kirk swallowed the word as usual, "Are you crying? Why? Explain."

"Negative. That, sir, is illogical." Spock started crying immensely... the fact that Kirk noticed his emotion made him most upset.

"Spock!" Kirk felt a little sympathetic, but amazed that Spock was displaying emotion, "That's.... very human of you..."

"I see no need for me to stand here and be insulted, Captain." Spock sat down and continued crying like a baby.

"What's really wrong, Mr. Spock?" Kirk thought that if he tried talking to Spock that maybe he might go away sooner.

"I took an IQ test, Captain. It has been bothering me all night."

"Why? What did you get?" Kirk said, each word it's own sentence.

"Two hundred... and... twenty three!" Spock sobbed.

"Wow, Spock, that's incredible!" Kirk was in disbelief that his Vulcan friend had such a high intelligence quotient, although he didn't seem to be too suprised, either.

"Last time I took an IQ test, Captain," Spock swallowed, pausing his sentence briefly. "It was two hundred and twenty five! I have concluded, based on past results of other intelligence quotient test I had taken and by examining my brain activity over the past 4.2 days, I had discovered that my IQ had diminished two points. I hypothosized that each day my brain activity and IQ seemed to diminish 0.4762 percent, rounded to the nearest ten-thousandth of course. These _accurate_ results have driven me to the conclusion that I am, without doubt, decreasing in intelligence."

"So?" Kirk couldn't see how Spock could be so upset. If Spock did infact decrease in intelligence, it would hardly be a noticeable change at all.

"It's illogical that my IQ has diminished two points!" Spock sobbed, very humanly.

He wanted to try to make Spock feel better. "You'll never get the same score twice, Mr. Spock... an IQ test is---"

"I am very familiar with the formula for determining an Intelligence Quotient, Captain." Spock interrupted.

Kirk wanted to break a mirror over Spock's annoying, hideous face and spill his stupid green blood everywhere for being a smartass. But, Kirk just sat there, highly annoyed by Spock's refusal to leave.

"So why do you feel you need to bother me like this, Mr. Spock?" said Kirk.

"Unknown, Captain." Spock stood there, staring at Kirk and blinking like a retard.

"Why don't you go back to your quarters and go to sleep... or meditate or whatever, Spock." Kirk suggested.

"No, Jim." Spock said, creepily, "I do not wish to do that."

"What? Why? This is my room, Mr. Spock, I am ordering you to get out."

"I shouldn't have to, Jim, as you are not on duty."

"Personal space and human rights, Mr. Spock. I have them on this vessel." Kirk felt around for some sort of weapon.

"But, Jim." Spock was beginning to cry more, "I do not wish to leave."

"Why?" Kirk was getting fed up.

"I..." Spock attempted to contain his emotions. "I couldn't stop thinking..."

"About what? Mr. Spock... About what?" Kirk was beginning to think that maybe Spock's intelligence was truely diminishing.

"... you." Said Spock.

"Me? Why? Explain." Kirk said as his stomach churned with disgust.

"No! This is illogical." Spock cried, "NO I WONT! NO I WONT!"

"You won't, what, Mr. Spock?!" Kirk was a little concerned for Spock's mental health.

"I will not, Captain!" Spock becan to run in circles.

"What are you talking about, Mr. Spock?" Kirk blinked in awe.

Spock jumped up and hid in a corner,"'I will NEVER!"

"Spock....I may need to ask you to report to sickbay." Kirk was becoming more concerned.

"I WILL NOT!" Spock curled up into a ball on the floor.

"You will not what? Mr. Spock!?" Kirk asked, almost in fear for Spock's sanity. "SPOCK!"

Spock stood up normally, displaying no emotion at all. "This, Captain..." He grabbed onto the captains face and stuck his tongue into the captain's nose and eye. Kirk screamed in fear and disgust,

"MR. SPOCK! WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?" Kirk screamed.

"I am most repentant, captain."Spock felt like the biggest retard on the Enterprise.

"Now, Mr. Spock, I think you may need to explain yourself," Kirk said, towelling the saliva away from his eyeball and feeling nauseous. His face was pale.

"I had missed my intended target, Captain," Spock said.

"And?" Kirk was grossed right the f**k out.

"I intended to do this, Captain" Spock attempted again.

"No! Spock, don't even try to do that." Kirk protected himself from Spock's grossness. "Why would you even attempt?"

"I had failed to recognize the lack of logic in a second attempt. The first attempt was irrational enough." Spock stepped away from Kirk. "Most sincere apologies, Captain."

"Are you....gay, Mr. Spock ?" Kirk crossed his arms and his legs as he sat there, protecting himself from this disgusting half-alien.

"Negative, Captain. I can assure you that I am definately not gay. I do not feel immense joy, as to be gay is a human emotion, to which I am totally unfamiliar." Spock felt like crying again.

"Really?" Kirk said sarcastically.

"Correct, Captain." Spock felt content in his most logical answer.

Kirk was dissatisfied with Spock's answer. "I meant, 'do you fancy men'?" Kirk felt like projectile vomiting all over the place.

"Me, Captain?" Spock answered with an eyebrow raised.

"Yes, Spock."

"Well, Jim. What do you think?" Spock licked his lips at Kirk like a creepy-assed pervert.

"Spock," Kirk was getting uncomfortable, and pulled out his phaser. He meant to set it on stun, but instead, set it to kill. "Don't make me do this, Spock."

"Captain!" Spock was shocked that Kirk would be so ignorant to their love. He walked over to Kirk and tried to give him a hug, but Kirk nodoubtedly took it the wrong way.

"You've given me no choice, Mr. Spock!"

With that, Kirk went to shoot Spock, but intentionally missed. He saw the fear in Spock's shit-coloured eyes, and he came to the realization of what he was doing.

"Spock, I can't kill you." Kirk was upset that he had wished to kill his friend.

"You were going to kill me, Captain?" Spock's eyebrow raised to his ugly hairdoo.

"Well..." Kirk didn't know what to say. He walked towards Spock and put his hand on his shoulder. "No, not really."

"Jim!" Spock was shocked. "What irrational human feeling would cause you to result in killing me?"

"I..." Kirk swallowed and looked at Spock. "Don't know, Mr. Spock." He almost started laughing at the fact he actually wanted to kill Spock.

Spock raised an eyebrow at Kirk. "The complexity of the human mind never ceases to amaze me."

End


End file.
